Exams, God, and some Mars Bars

Today I finished my Exams, and I think it prudent to post what I learned this year, on the topic of existence of God.

Anselm put forth the Ontological Argument, which says:

1. Things are wrong or right by definition.For example, a four sided triangle. The definition of a triangle is 'a three sided shape', so a four sided triangle is wrong by definition.
2. The definition of 'God' is 'perfect, that of which no greater can be conceived. 
3. Perfection includes existence.
4. Therefore, to say "The perfect God does not exist" is wrong by definition.
5. Therefore, the perfect God must exist.

Then, the philosophers start to get bitchy.

Gaunilo: Ontological Argument can be used to 'prove' that anything exists, for example, a perfect island. Perfection includes existence, so to say my perfect island does not exist is wrong by definition... right?

Anselm: The definition of 'God' is 'perfect', douche. The definition of 'island' is a fricken landmass. Nothing is more awesome than god, tonnes of things are better than a landmass.

Kant: Existence isn't an entity, moron! Imagine I were to tell you about this awesome time I had last night with two great looking... Mars Bars. If I told you about every single detail, about how great these Mars Bars were, would I add "Oh, by the way, they exist."? Course I wouldn't ... meathead.

Anselm: It is so an entity. If I were to tell you "I've left these fantastic Mars Bars for you tonight, they're waiting for you at your apartment". Even if I told you in every detail how fantastic they are, but then added "They're imaginary!" wouldn't you feel a teensy bit disappointed? 'Course you would, dumbass.

Mysterious Person: One must trust an a posteriori argument over an a priori argument.

Anselm, Kant and Gaunilo: ...

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how I passed my exam. Also, I ran out of insults.

Aw, just hit him with a peanut.

Language is a funny thing.

I was sitting here, minding my own business, carefully avoiding eye contact with the growing to-do list on my wall, then the phone began to ring in the other room. Begrudgingly, I sat up and began to walk down the hall to answer it, to find my mother's de facto boyfriend had answered.

"Yes?" There was a pause as the other man spoke on the other end of the phone."... I see, did you catch another gremlin? ... He got away? Grab a martini! Aw, just hit him with a peanut."

I later found out he was talking in African.

My Dilemma

So, I've moved from a private girl's school to a public college, and the first thing I've noticed is the boys.

Not in the whole "Oh my god, they actually exist!" kind of way, though I guess there was a bit of that. No, the first thing I noticed was how stereotypical they are. Now, I've had a few boyfriends and we've had all the conversations about gender, for example, about how we are not stereotypical; I don't squeal over shoes, and they aren't sex obsessed.
Or so I thought.

There's a boy at school who thinks he's a bit of a stud. Let's call him Mark. He's got it all: Italian heritage, money, talent. The one thing he lacks is tact- for example: making crude double entendres to everything I say, turning everything into a sex joke, hitting on me non-stop, the works. It was painful. Then, he asked me out for a drink. Through some massive cloud of judgment- I can only blame the coffee- I accepted.

It was only later I realized it was a date.

Panicking, I told my friend, who shall be called James, who gave me a brilliant idea. He would pretend to be my boyfriend, for the next three weeks until he leaves for Denmark; this would hopefully chase off my suitor, and also seemed like a pretty good trick for the other guys who were in our friendship huddle.

So, that afternoon, James and I met up with Mark, who didn't seem to understand that we were in a fake relationship. This lead to a lot of crude comments about my sex life, holding my hand, stroking my arm, holding my arm, etc. while James and I told him, to his face and with no pretense, that I was not single.

Finally, when my bus came, James had left and Mark continued to attempt to hold me, did he ask "Tell me what I'm dying to know. Who are you going out with?". I told him I was going out with James, and with a sullen goodbye and quick advise on how to ask out another girl he had a crush on, he was gone. I feel bad for him, but at least I have my arm back.

Now, I am pretending to go out with a friend. Situation resolved.