Top Reason Why There Is No God (And If There Is, He Has A Seriously Wacked Sense Of Humour)

This is a story I've been telling to a few people which I think is probably worth you mighty folks.

I was on a bus the other day going home from school, and this grossly obese guy steps on. I mean huge. The bus tilted when he stepped on. I'm surprised the tires didn't pop. There must have been a bend where he was sitting, like in my skillful drawing below.

... I'm sure you get the picture.

He had all this stuff with him; what looked like four sleeping bags and a baby stroller. Anyway, first he's reaching up to put all these things in various spots, and as he does, his pants begin to fall down. I'm not talking your average 'plumber butt-crack'. I'm talking the whole deal. The entire thing. All of it, right down to the top of his thighs.

So, the bus takes off suddenly, and all these small, lego-like items fall out of the slightly questionable sleeping bags and spill onto the floor. Being the practical man he must have been, he took the obvious action and begun bending over to pick them up.

The entire bus is forced to bear witness to the vision before us. Nobody could look away. The infant in the chair close to him begins wailing, while it's poor mother, at least a metre away from the mans bum, tries desperately to hush it. After an excruciating period of time, he turns around to pick up some more of the odd things up, baring this titanic arse out the front of the bus. You could see the priceless expressions on peoples faces as they drove around the corner to see this massive bottom waving out the front window.

In the aftermath on this historic event, I have only one thing to say:

He must have known.

...Right?

Alfredo, Nino, and Blue Hair.

Today, while I was hanging out with a friend at a park, I saw these guys walk by.

They are, if you hadnt guessed, the performers of my two favourite acts in a circus I had just been to a few days before. (They were wearing different clothes, obviously, as they walked through the park). Of course, there were a few moments when I wondered what to do. Should I go say hello? I really wanted to, but what if I made a bad impression? What if they didnt want to talk? What if, what if...et cetera. My nerves stopped me from going over, and I missed my oppurtunity. I beat myself up for not being more couragous.

Thirty minutes or so later, however, they walked back, and I ran over and asked them if they were the performers in the circus. They said they were, smiling. I told them they did a really good job, and Alfredo (red hair) replied in a deep Russian accent (that I had originally passed off as fake) that he was pleased that I thought so. We had a bit of a chat, involving me admitting to Nino (guy in pink) that it was my father that he'd forced to play imaginary drums on stage, with Nino laughing and replying that my father should join the circus, too.

When they went, we shook hands, and I told them to keep up the good work, and walked away with a huge buzzing in my heart and head I couldnt stop smiling. This started a whole train of thoughts which lead to this one, simple conclusion;

I'm going to dye my hair blue.

I'm sick of not doing something that I want to do because I'm unsure of what people will think. Imagine if I hadn't had the guts to go say hello to Alfredo and Nino? I would have missed out on an experience that I think I'll remember for a long time. I want to have the courage to be myself, to do what I want to do (as long as nobody gets hurt) without giving a damn.

I'm not being self concious on stage, I'm wearing what I want into the city, I'm talking to strangers and I'm dying my goddamn hair blue.

In my final year of school, it may be my last chance.

Exams, God, and some Mars Bars

Today I finished my Exams, and I think it prudent to post what I learned this year, on the topic of existence of God.

Anselm put forth the Ontological Argument, which says:

1. Things are wrong or right by definition.For example, a four sided triangle. The definition of a triangle is 'a three sided shape', so a four sided triangle is wrong by definition.
2. The definition of 'God' is 'perfect, that of which no greater can be conceived. 
3. Perfection includes existence.
4. Therefore, to say "The perfect God does not exist" is wrong by definition.
5. Therefore, the perfect God must exist.

Then, the philosophers start to get bitchy.

Gaunilo: Ontological Argument can be used to 'prove' that anything exists, for example, a perfect island. Perfection includes existence, so to say my perfect island does not exist is wrong by definition... right?

Anselm: The definition of 'God' is 'perfect', douche. The definition of 'island' is a fricken landmass. Nothing is more awesome than god, tonnes of things are better than a landmass.

Kant: Existence isn't an entity, moron! Imagine I were to tell you about this awesome time I had last night with two great looking... Mars Bars. If I told you about every single detail, about how great these Mars Bars were, would I add "Oh, by the way, they exist."? Course I wouldn't ... meathead.

Anselm: It is so an entity. If I were to tell you "I've left these fantastic Mars Bars for you tonight, they're waiting for you at your apartment". Even if I told you in every detail how fantastic they are, but then added "They're imaginary!" wouldn't you feel a teensy bit disappointed? 'Course you would, dumbass.

Mysterious Person: One must trust an a posteriori argument over an a priori argument.

Anselm, Kant and Gaunilo: ...

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how I passed my exam. Also, I ran out of insults.

Aw, just hit him with a peanut.

Language is a funny thing.

I was sitting here, minding my own business, carefully avoiding eye contact with the growing to-do list on my wall, then the phone began to ring in the other room. Begrudgingly, I sat up and began to walk down the hall to answer it, to find my mother's de facto boyfriend had answered.

"Yes?" There was a pause as the other man spoke on the other end of the phone."... I see, did you catch another gremlin? ... He got away? Grab a martini! Aw, just hit him with a peanut."

I later found out he was talking in African.

My Dilemma

So, I've moved from a private girl's school to a public college, and the first thing I've noticed is the boys.

Not in the whole "Oh my god, they actually exist!" kind of way, though I guess there was a bit of that. No, the first thing I noticed was how stereotypical they are. Now, I've had a few boyfriends and we've had all the conversations about gender, for example, about how we are not stereotypical; I don't squeal over shoes, and they aren't sex obsessed.
Or so I thought.

There's a boy at school who thinks he's a bit of a stud. Let's call him Mark. He's got it all: Italian heritage, money, talent. The one thing he lacks is tact- for example: making crude double entendres to everything I say, turning everything into a sex joke, hitting on me non-stop, the works. It was painful. Then, he asked me out for a drink. Through some massive cloud of judgment- I can only blame the coffee- I accepted.

It was only later I realized it was a date.

Panicking, I told my friend, who shall be called James, who gave me a brilliant idea. He would pretend to be my boyfriend, for the next three weeks until he leaves for Denmark; this would hopefully chase off my suitor, and also seemed like a pretty good trick for the other guys who were in our friendship huddle.

So, that afternoon, James and I met up with Mark, who didn't seem to understand that we were in a fake relationship. This lead to a lot of crude comments about my sex life, holding my hand, stroking my arm, holding my arm, etc. while James and I told him, to his face and with no pretense, that I was not single.

Finally, when my bus came, James had left and Mark continued to attempt to hold me, did he ask "Tell me what I'm dying to know. Who are you going out with?". I told him I was going out with James, and with a sullen goodbye and quick advise on how to ask out another girl he had a crush on, he was gone. I feel bad for him, but at least I have my arm back.

Now, I am pretending to go out with a friend. Situation resolved.